Most people know how to do this on their own, but in case you need some help..


  1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
  3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
  4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
  7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
  8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
  10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
  18. Honk and wave to strangers.
  19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  21. type only in lowercase.
  22. dont use any punctuation either
  23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
  25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
  27. Ask people what gender they are.
  28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  30. Sing along at the opera.
  31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."


Temporarily off track but departing soon.

Do you ever find yourself on the outside looking in? All our lives are on a track, path, course, whatever you call it, and every day we travel along on it. But once in a while you hit an unseen bump and you're slightly off your track, spinning your wheels on the side of the road. Everyone and everything is moving along as it should be, but now you see it all from a slightly different perspective than usual. There's an odd sense of detachment that accompanies this feeling. You're backstage at a theater and everyone is scurrying around getting in position to play their parts. Or for the first time you see the forrest and not just the trees. I've slipped off my track today. Do you know how people look at your when you've had a few cocktails and you can swear they can tell you're kinda sloshed but in reality it's all inside your head. I've had the feeling that everyone I've been in contact with today can tell that there's something a little different with me. Or perhaps that's just that paranoia I was mentioning. My brain acts peculiarly to stress--both real and imagined. I've got a big job coming up down the road and my brain may be switching into gear early--to avoid the Christmas rush, if you will. I have the skills and ability to do this work, but that's not going to stop my brain from fretting about it before the fact. That's just the way my brain is wired. Thank goodness I have a wife who is adept at putting my little wagon back on track. As the years have passed my daughter is demonstrating a knack for it as well. I'm the only enemy I've ever had. It's a simple statement but it refuses to stay put in my brain. I've probably lost most of you by now, but for those who stuck around, thanks for listening.

What do you mean it's checked out? How could it be checked out?